Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of deodorizing pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him on your shoulder while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may
need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come
from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people
between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......

" If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we
can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will
answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of
birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0
0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy
forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up..."

That was great.

Now i just need to find a cat.

do dogs work? cuz we have a dirty little fuzz ball that would fit nicely in a toilet...

poodles and terriers should work, very fluffy.
Chiuawahs and those little wiener dogs dont have enough fur...

cats work best because they hate water, I doubt a dog would go nuts like a cat would. Hell if it where my dog it'll probably just lay in the toilet and drink/eat the contents of it's new home.

LMAO