"What the hell are kefir grains?"

How did I know you'd ask? Kefir grains are little gelatinous blobs of micro-organisms that consume milk and spit out kefir.

"What the hell is kefir?"

Kefir is a yogurt-like drink, with small quantities of carbonation and alcohol and a buttermilk consistency. More information about kefir and kefir grains can be found at this hideous, but informative site: http://users.sa.chariot.net.au/~dna/kefirpage.html

"What is this rash on my ass?"

I neither know, nor want to know. But kefir has been used for it's healing properties since ancient times in the Caucus mountains of Eurasia. It'll probably clear that right up!

To make kefir, just plop your kefir grains in a cup of milk and wait a day. Voila! Tastes like freshness! And also a little like vinegar. Sweeten it with sugar or honey or whatever you prefer and you've stepped into flavor country.

Kefir grains are self-propagating, so they grow and multiply over time. This means I have too many kefir grains! I can no longer feed my babies. Come pick some up and be disgusted by them and throw them away! Or whatever, I don't care, I just have some kefir grains if you want them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kefir

umm.. no thanks.

does wiki play down the alcoholic content?

[dream sequence]
Ra: whats this?
me: milk.
Ra: its solid.
me: its turned to yogurt.
Ra: then why does it smell like booze?
me: its milk. shutup.
[/dream sequence]

where do i pick them up?

You pick them at my house, dood. PM me if you want them!