IF A MAN WROTE THE ANSWERS FOR COSMOPOLITAN'S ADVICE PAGE:


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him....

A: Interestingly, men know that semen not only gives a woman's skin a wonderful healthy glow but, when ingested, can help you to lose weight.
His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is therefore totally selfless and is indeed absolute confirmation of his great love for you and shows just how much he cares for your well-being.
The best thing you can do to thank him is to perform it on him at least twice a day and cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband wants a threesome with me and my best friend....

A: It's quite obvious that your husband simply cannot get enough of you, but as there is only one of you, he has no other option but to suggest the next best thing - you and your best friend.
Far from this being an issue for concern, it can only bring you much closer together, so why not consider asking some of your old female college friends or roomates to be involved too?
If you are still apprehensive, perhaps you should try letting him be with your friend(s) without you, while you just watch or operate the video camera for him.
If you're still not sure, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys....

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and, rather than be a cause for complaint, is something which you should wholeheartedly encourage.
Man, by nature, is a hunter and as such, has an uncontrollable primeval need to continually prove his prowess in the company of other men.
Nights out drinking and chasing young girls simply provide the setting for this critically important interaction with his peers to take place, and are extremely beneficial in aiding the reduction of your loved one's stress levels, which in turn, benefits you by allowing you to enjoy the pleasures of a calmer, more relaxed home.
Remember, nothing can help maintain a loving relationship better than your man being away for a day or two, (it's a great time to clean the house too)!
Just think of the joy you will experience when you see how happy, carefree and relaxed he is when he returns to you and his stable, spotlessly clean home.
To show him just how pleased you are to see him again, you and your best friend should perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is....

A: This completly normal ... your clitoris is something which is entirely personal to you and to you alone and therefore quite naturally falls outside your husband's sphere of interest, understanding or expertise.
If you feel really strongly that it requires attention, deal with it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.
You may wish to videotape yourself/yourselves whilst doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband shows no interest in foreplay....

A: The fact that you should even bring this up indicates that you are a very self-obsessed woman who should immediately seek sensitivity training, as you seem to willfully ignore the fact that for a man, foreplay is not only unnatural and time consuming, but also very, very stressful.
It is your duty, as a devoted wife, to ensure that sex is always available whenever your husband needs it, without any unreasonable requests for foreplay ... such demands suggest that perhaps you do not love your man as much as you should.
If you really love him, he should never have to work to get you in the mood ... so stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one....

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.
However, I would suggest that in the morning, after he's had a good night's sleep, you perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice breakfast.

if only... if only

hmm.. I'll have to present this as reading material to my girlfriend...

ZOMG THE HILARITY